Brawlers: The Upgrade
by Rorre
Summary: In one of the worst fictions you've ever read, the newcomers are given their own BRAWL MANSION. Mysterious mis-dated emails, fourth wall-breaking narrators, and uncommon pauses in times ensue. Like the title says, this is an UPGRADED Brawlers-fic.


Chapter One  
**You've Got Mail**

**_-- _**Brawl Mansion: 9:20 A.M.**_ --_**

The Brawler Mansion was a new asset to the franchise. The money to build it, approximately 4.1 million coins, came not from the revenue made off of Brawl's successful release, but from the pockets of several desperate fans (like myself) who had sent in money months prior to it's release to Nintendo Japan in hope of bribing them to throw in other third-party characters, and later even more "borrowed funds" after the game's release in hope of getting a character spot for the next game.

None worked.

But the GRAND TOTAL supplied the fifteen newcoming Brawlers with bedrooms, kitchens, bathrooms, an uncountable number of closets and wardrobes, secret doors, desks, fans, cupboards, tables, VCRs, television sets, computers (MACs and PCs), windows, rooms, and several redesigns and replicas of their own respective clothing. Fifteen master bedroom windows brought euphoria to each and every face, some gleaming with tears as they stared haplessly at their brand new mansion.

"Finally! I don't have to share a room with that warrior woman! Trying to stick me with those arrows for TARGET PRACTICE!!" Diddy Kong jumped up and down, clapping his hands and screeching in his primitive "ooh ooh ahs" and "aaho ooahs".

"And now I can grow my Pikmin without Captain Asshole running over them during his "training"." Olimar was overjoyed as he plucked a small bud from the ground without hearing "YOU OWE ME 6.75 FOR NEW BOOTS TO REPLACE THE ONES YOU GOT GUNK ON."

Snake nodded, "At least now I won't have to hide all my guns when Ness, Kirby, Yoshi, or Lucas show up." and cocked the M9 in his hands, no longer concerned if some spoiled 8-year old with rich parents somehow worked his way onto WiFi and decided to use him to win matches easily and become the "King of Brawl".

Ike became a blatant display of depression, he stabbed his mighty weapon into the ground. Now he could no longer bask in the beauty of Princess Toadstool or live in the adventurous attitude of Princess Sarasa OR equal the fighting brilliance of Princess Zelda and her tact. Unlike him, Pit and Wario were rejoicing. The latter would no longer be rattled on for his obsessive garlic-eating, his "unclean" habits, or WORST of all, that he was WAY OUT OF SHAPE by Zelda, Fox, and Marth.

Pit would now be given his space. He wouldn't have to wait for five hours every morning for Peach and Jigglypuff to finish in the bathroom just to take a shower, and the threat of Bowser burning his wings off or Ganondorf tearing them away was now at the back of his mind. Lucas and Pokemon Trainer could play their favorite card game, YuGiOh, at last without fear of being judged, while Lucario owned his own "Silent Room" for private meditation without disturbance or interruption. Only once would he ever be interrupted, which was to invite Metaknight to join him in silent meditation.

"With Kirby out of the way, and a 500-mile runaway in the back, I can park the Halberd at ANY time without concern for explosion insurance." the cloaked Star Warrior whispered, refusing to hint at his merriment over this.

Zero Suit Samus, in her usual blue, skin-tight suit with hot-pink insignia glowing on her back, stepped into the crowd of Brawlers. Beside and beneath her, Sonic, Olimar, Pokemon Trainer, Wario, Pit and King DeDeDe stared, drooling. But she turned, and walked towards Ike who was kneeling by his sword sadly. She helped him up and embraced him, making all six of their faces turn a boiling red.

Come to think of it, DeDeDe had his own benefit with this mansion. With over two hundred refrigerators scattered about the numerous kitchens, he was free to have a "king's feast" at just about anytime he wished. Behind DeDeDe, a tiny, blonde-haired boy in a leaf green tunic and cap squirmed about his side. DeDeDe felt him at his side, and in shock, snatched his nape and tossed him away, into Sonic and Olimar like a bowling bowl.

"Say." Lucas said aloud, "Are we missing someone?"

The Brawlers shrugged.

And together took one quick glance at their new housing, before stampeding through the front doors of Brawl Mansion.

-- **Metaknight'**s Room --

"Luke. Check this out." Lucario bent over Metaknight's shoulder to examine his computer screen. Metaknight was seated in his swivel chair, which he sat on with both feet raised in a rather humorous way. Imagine that you dressed up a rock with two round potatos that are painted red, a giant circular metal mask or a plate with a slit just a BIT above its center, a cape or a paper towel, two burgundy gloves, and two yellow candies for eyes and then put it on a chair in a sitting position. Don't forget to paint his body light blue/black in the fashion only you Kirby fans could know so well.

Go ahead, I'll give you ten-fifteen minutes, then come back and finish reading this. If you do it right, you should be falling out of your chair by the end of this, I may actually lose you for a few weeks. I'll even put on some music for you.

...(Motion City Soundtrack - Everything Is Alright)

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...(Devil May Cry 3 Main Theme - Devils Never Cry)

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...(Devil May Cry 4 - Never Shall Surrender)

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...(The Presidents of USA - Lump)

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...(Super Mario Theme - Hyadain ((XD)) )

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...(No More Heroes - NMH Main Theme)

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...(Leekspin)

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...(Megas XLR Theme Song)

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...(Mercenaries 2 - Oh No You Didn't)

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...(Sonic Adventure - Open Your Heart)

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...(Dragonball Z - Rock the Dragon)

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...(Willy Wonka - Pure Imagination)

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...(Kingdom Hearts 2 Utada Hikaru - Passion)

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...(Transformers G1 Opening Theme)

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...(Power Rangers Opening Theme)

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OH MY GOD. HAHAHAHAHA. THAT WAS FUNNY AS HELL. FINISHED?...AHAHAHA. LMAO. Okay, back to where we left off. Now you know how funny it is to see Metaknight sitting. Alternatively, though, you could have just skipped down here and listened to me tell you about how you could just look up Kirby's cartoon on Youtube and search for an episode of Metaknight sitting down, there's plenty I'm sure. ;)

"**_What's that?_**"

"I believe they call it Page Rape."

"**_Not that. THAT._**" Lucario pointed further in.

"Subliminal advertising?"

"**_..._**"

"I'm kidding. I don't know. It says this email is seven months old, but I've only had my YahooMail account for two days." said Metaknight.

On the Macintosh screen, a large purple symbol with the letters ASDFYTREWQ was scribbled along it's surface. Metaknight scrolled down, and a series of 0s and 1s filled up the screen. He cursed, Lucario made a telepathic "_chuckle_" as he dropped back onto Metaknight's bed. "**_Your computer's probably been hacked, if they weren't going just for your email._**"

"Damn it." Metaknight prepared to hit DELETE.

"Guys!" Pit came flying into the room. No pun intended. "Did you hear?"

"**_What is_**-"

"Everyone's received some mysterious e-mail."

"Wait a second." Metaknight paused, "You mean to tell me we live in a large, oversized, extravagant mansion with over 2,000 accessories to it, with only FIFTEEN people inside of it, and all ALL fifteen of those people were ON THEIR COMPUTER checking their EMAILS?"

Pit nodded.

Lucario facepalmed, waving goodbye to Metaknight and following Pit into the hallway. Metaknight sighed. _'What is this country coming to?'_

**In the Dining area of the mansion, one of three particularly in the case of DeDeDe and Wario, the Brawlers gathered to discuss these events. Chatting thoughtfully, they all silenced as a mysterious humming began to ring in their ears.**

"Who the HELL are you?" Wario yelled at the man with the microphone, narrating from underneath the 14-feet long tablecloth. The man smiled uneasily, getting up with a sudden springing action and bouncing off of Wario, who's expression became that of a red platform with a spring attached to the bottom, the narrator sprinted out of the dining room and out of sight, Metaknight watched as he raced down the driveway and away from the mansion.

"**_Brawlers. Today we have all received a strange e-mail dated to have been sent seven months back, correct?_**"

They all nodded.

"**_Well, until the writer of this fanfiction can come up with a proper, established plot. We're going to point our centermost fingers at the people reading about us for the next 5 weeks and end this chapter on a cliffhanger._**"

They agreed, and all fifteen Brawlers raised their middle fingers towards the computer screen.

The chapter ended with little to nothing of a plot. Reviews were almost non-existent...the quality of the fic dropped like a rock...into a bed of linens...and into a pot of hot magma...on top of Mount Vesuvius...

FIN.


End file.
